“Beautiful Words” is a non-fiction short story that retells one of the most painful moments of my life–the night the lies I believed about myself and my appearance collided with the unspoken promise the man I loved had made to himself not to marry a woman who was overweight. The night I nearly ended my own life. It’s the story of a spiritual battle that played out against the cold tile of my bathroom floor and the moment I realized God loved me more completely than any man ever could.
~Excerpt from “Beautiful Words”
Like a needle caught in the scratch of a vinyl record, the toxic phrases played repeatedly in my head. No man wants to marry a heavy woman. I made a vow that I’d never marry a woman who was overweight. No man wants to marry a heavy woman. I made a vow that I’d never marry a woman who was overweight.
On and on they went drowning out all reason. In that moment of desolation, no one wanting to marry me equaled no one loving me—ever.
The pain intensified yet only silence came from my gaping mouth.
Where was God? For the first time in my life, I couldn’t feel His presence. The connection severed, I was alone.
An old, familiar voice took over. One I’d beaten back many times, but never defeated. Sitting on my shoulder, it whispered a lethal mantra in my ear—you are unlovable and undesirable.
The truth hurt.
An eerie moan creaked from my lungs.
What was the point? Nobody else cared. Why should I?
Rising to my knees, I wiped my face with the same disgusting sleeve, then poured a quarter of the Costco-sized bottle of painkillers in my palm. Brownish-red tablets fell from the side of my hand and glided across the slick tile.
My gaze rested on the deadly treasure.
Would it be enough?
Desolation and despair swooped in, permeating the tiny room.
Just do it, the voice whispered. Nobody loves you. You are fat and ugly. No man will ever love you.
Spoken Moments is a anthology about the power of words to impact our lives. True stories of faith and triumph from Christian authors that will leave you laughing, crying or shaking your head in awe at how God uses words to shape our character, guide our footsteps and remind us of the redemptive work of the cross. All proceeds from the sale of Spoken Moments, or any anthology in the “Moments” series, will benefit Samaritan’s Purse, an international relief organization.